Wednesday, August 8, 2012

One Week Update.. finally!!

This time last week we were having the worst twenty-four hours of our lives!  The amount of physical and emotional pain we knew Lincoln was in broke our hearts.  We would have done anything to switch places with him.  I still would do anything to switch places with him.  I wish I could write and say everything is perfect but we still are having some rough little patches!

Lincoln's swelling is down, he is crawling, walking, playing and laughing!  He is not quite back to his old self but getting closer every day. It is amazing that this is the same baby who was laying lifeless in that hospital bed just a few days ago.  Everyone kept telling us that when he "turned the corner" he would turn it fast.  They were so right!!  As soon as he could open his eyes we started to see him come back.  He still seems to be in pain when the Tylenol with codeine has worn off.  It is hard because we want to slowly get him off of it but then we spend the whole day trying to play catch up with his pain.  I think for now we will continue giving it to him every four hours and just know that is more comfortable this way!  He is also on antibiotics every six hours just to make sure he doesn't get an infection.  This means that the poor guy is getting something squirted down his throat every few hours and it is a struggle every time.  After everything he has been through he has just had it with people messing with him.  We can't take him anywhere in public for two weeks and need to make sure he is not around anyone who is sick. .. an infection would be my worst nightmare right now!  Little Lincoln has become a stage five clinger lately.  I can handle this because I have missed those cuddles!  He has done a great job sleeping through the night and taking long naps as long as someone is holding him or sleeping next to him.  The first night we tried to put him in his crib and he started shaking uncontrollably and screaming.  I couldn't handle it!  He has been sleeping with us ever since.  

As good as it feels to be home and have the surgery behind us, I have been having a hard time.  I have no idea why.  I really can't even explain it.  I just feel like his little spirit is broken.  I just want him to be the happy go lucky baby he was before.  Everyone has been saying how strong they think we are and it makes me laugh a little.  I think I have been an emotional basket case!  Lately, I have felt angry that this has happened to him.  I know that this is wrong of me because we are so lucky compared to some parents we met.  I just wish there was some way to just make all the memories of this disappear.  This whole ordeal has been so stressful on Logan and I and it has taken a toll on our relationship for sure.  This is probably normal.  I don't really remember what it is like to have a conversation with him that doesn't lead to craniosynostosis.  I asked the doctor if he thought all of our kids would have this and he said there is no way to know but he doubted it.  Thank God!!

I keep thinking about this time next year and how awesome it is going to be to have this far behind us.  And then I realize that I do this a lot in my life.  In high school I couldn't wait to graduate and start college.  In college I couldn't wait to graduate and move to Nashville.  When Logan and I got engaged I couldn't wait to get married, buy a house and start a family.  Maybe this makes me a bad mom but when Lincoln was a newborn I couldn't wait for him to start sleeping through the night.  Now I look back and wonder why I didn't just enjoy living in those moments.  Time goes by so quickly and there is no rewind button.  I would give anything to relive a day when I was seventeen, or when Logan and I lived in a tiny old house with a bathroom as big as a refrigerator or when Lincoln was two weeks old.  All of these times in my life were so happy, I just wished I would have soaked it all in.  Logan and I are excited to see how our story unfolds.  We are excited to meet our future kids, to see where his music career goes and excited to see how many goals we can accomplish by the time we are one hundred.  Logan insists we will live to be well over a hundred.  As much fun as it is to dream about these things, I think my new goal is to live in the moment.  It is so hard to see Lincoln go through this but I am going to try and stay positive.  I know the worst is behind us and that every day he is getting better!  

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jill, I'm friends with jenn and have been keeping up through her.
    One of the things that was hard for me was to believe that God could use my pain for my good (Rom 8:28). My pain and any potential good seemed to contradict themselves.
    Where you are, with a hurting, recovering baby, your bruised and hurting heart, relationships that have been of course impacted, etc, it is so hard to believe that Truth.
    I can say though, that God really does hold true to His promise. He will bring "good" out of this pain in your life. I have grown to know and depend on Him like none other. My Anchor has held.
    I will pray that Lincoln will continue to heal and recover , and also that you will know God more through this. And also that you'll be able to see the "good from your pain" someday soon.